I wish I Were a Pig

If you remove the first letter from the word Fairy and replace F with an H, you get the name that I adorned once upon a time. I even hate to mention the word 'Hairy'. It was in class 11 that I first started becoming conscious about having facial hair. I remember the first day of school after the board examinations, there were many new students who had joined and one girl named ‘Waxed Skeleton (WS)’ came up and sat next to me. She scanned me from head to toe, as if she was preparing for my postmortem. She stared into my unshaped eye brows, my un-waxed hands and made me realize the presence of a mush I never had.

Miss Waxed Skeleton soon changed her place and sat next to the girls who had uprooted what they thought was unwanted off their skin, and made sure it shone like the glaze of morning sunlight on water. WS was one woman who always preferred wearing miniskirts and short sleeves. Her eyebrows were perfectly shaped, her eye lashes were of the perfect length and her hair was coloured with copper streaks. She was one woman who never had a bad hair day and her hair do was always perfect. She came to school in a chauffeur driven Ambassador car and tip toed her way through the corridors so carefully, making sure she never hit against anything or anyone. It wasn't long before everyone started raving about her looks and she was the new sensation.

WS proved to give a huge complex to girls like me, who did not drive to school but instead rode to school, wearing a single plait and pinned our Dupattas to either ends of our shoulders. In life sometimes we hate people without a reason. We hate some stars although we have nothing against them. There are people whom we hate with a strong conviction. For me, WS was on that list. I hated her for multiple reasons. She dated the second biggest crush of my life, and she called me badly groomed and hairy. It was she who gave me the name that gave me the biggest inferiority complex of my life. I wasn't hairy by choice. It was nature that conspired against me and sowed too many seeds of Keratin under my skin, that sprouted out as dead black long cells to make me look badly groomed and wo'manly'. In class 11, grooming to me meant nothing more than wearing starched white ironed uniforms, polished shoes, having clean nails and neatly combed hair.

Grooming to us humans is about what we shouldn't be doing rather than what we should be. Our definitions change as the perceptions of the common majority change. Today, our definition of Grooming would not match that of Adam and Eve's, and their definitions would not agree to that possessed by Ramapithecus. To suit a hypothetical proposition of grooming proposed by a hair- free majority, to get oneself a good groom and later to appeal to him, every woman goes through a painful ritual. The worst part is that we have to pay for the pain.

With utmost courage in my heart, I went to get myself groomed and more importantly rid of not just hair on my skin, but also the name that I disliked the most. I went to ' New Star Shiny' beauty parlour. The board outside had a photo of the Bollywood actress Kajol and a note saying 'Only for ladies and kids'. As I entered, a woman escorted me to a separate room and there I was paying for pain, pouring a hot liquid over my skin and uprooting a layer of it. Every time she poured the hot liquid over my skin, I clenched my teeth and tears rolled out of eyes. As I came out after the ordeal, looking like a victim of the Bhopal gas tragedy, only one thought ran over my head.

I WISH I WERE A PIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bathroom Chronicles

When Shahrukh Khan spent about Rs 15 crores in building his bathroom, which has a splendid library inside, the world viewed the man as an arrogant celebrity. He was accused of spending too much on self indulgence, and the media drew nasty comparisons of him with other celebrities, who spent their money in adopting kids from various countries and contributed to charity in a large way. The world could not decipher the hidden message behind his action of building a bathroom whose money could have been used to feed a lakh of children three times a day 365 days a year instead. Showing people a way that can transform their lives is equivalent to charity if not better. Shahrukh Khan has done that.

The bathroom is the only place where you are blessed with complete solitude. You have the luxury to admire things about yourself that no one ever knew. It is the only place in the world where you can be who you are, without having the fear of being judged or laughed at. In a country like ours, where space is a huge constraint not only in queues or parking lots, not all of us have the luxury of a separate room and spend what is known as 'Alone Time'. Schools in Europe and America give their kids what is known as Alone Time, whenever a child does something wrong. The children are asked to to stay alone and ponder over their actions. Not only children but even adults require some 'Alone Time'. In a normal household if anyone is found quietly sitting and thinking about something, he or she is prodded and asked a zillion questions. If you tell someone ' Please leave me alone' you are often tagged as acting pricey or moody. The only place where you can have 'Alone Time' without being prodded or nagged is the bathroom. The best thing about being in the bathroom is that, inside the bathroom, you are your own friend and you are your own enemy.

When you are irritated or angry, it is the bathroom that listens to you patiently without giving you unwanted advice. When depressed, it is the bathroom that takes your tears and welcomes you each time with an open door. You can sing, shout, scream, and cry at the same time when you are in there and no one would ever question you. The walls of the bathroom are always audience to every kind of music and any kind of singer.

A good bath gives one a good heart. The days I wake up late, the process of my daily ablutions is nothing more than brushing my teeth while I simultaneously wash my face and pour two mugs of water over myself. These are the days I come groggy to work with an incomplete feeling. These are the days where I have to coax your mind into work. An incomplete bath gives you an incomplete feeling. Your mind is cross with you that you didn't give it enough time to snap out of the previous night's dreamy fantasy, while the pores of your skin are unhappy that they didn't get scrubbed well. Your mind and you body fight against you at the same time.

Science says that a good bath improves blood circulation in the body and improved blood circulation means you brain becomes more alert. When depressed, there is nothing better than a Jacuzzi or a spa that can make you feel nice. It gets you high while you are grounded. If you can't afford a Jacuzzi a good bath can give you just the same feeling. Lifeboy has been advertising this message for 115 years now.While you visit history, it is said that King Louis XIV (1638-1715), King of France, the Sun King, had a bath only thrice in his entire life. No wonder his life was quite depressing and all he could think of was war and no peace. Had the king known the importance of bathrooms he wouldn't have built the palace of Versailles without a single bathroom.

The special thing about a bathroom is that it treats you the way you treat it. If you keep it clean and neat it gives you a nice feeling. Messy bathrooms with dirty creatures crawling can render you sleepless for nights together. In our country most of us seek solace in temples and snow filled mountains. We believe that meditation can help cleanse our mind. If only everyone of us treated the bathroom like a temple, there could be no better place to cleanse one's mind, body and soul. To me, the first step to living a luxurious life lies in a clean bathroom. I wouldn't mind spending all my life's earnings in building a dream bathroom. To me, it is my self discovered path to knowing myself. All of us cannot afford a bathroom worth fifteen crores. What all of us can afford is at least a clean bathroom.

Never disregard the bathroom for it was the place where Archimedes had his eureka moment. Spend time and have a good bath, for it could lead you into the right path.

Needy Friends

It was 12-30 A.M. Just the day before Deepavali. I was working on an important presentation that I had to deliver at 9 A.M. While I was clicking through it, slide after slide, the phone just rang. It was Piglet. Piglet was my friend since college. We had known each other for 12 years now. Our lives had changed, our destinies had changed, but we remained good friends. We hadn't spoken to each other for a long time and since he was calling at an odd hour, I knew there was something terribly wrong.

I picked up the phone and piglet broke down instantaneously. He had lost his job. I simply didn’t know how to react. I was patiently listening to his story while scanning through the slides on the other hand. Dealing with two important tasks at the same time is like dealing with twins. You need to give both of them the same amount of attention, so that neither feels deprived and you feel satisfied. Six years into investment banking had taught me how to juggle two things at the same time. And then out of the blue, I told him not to worry and assured him of a job in my firm just to make him feel better. As I finished speaking a few soothing words, I got a call from my girl friend. Since I was speaking with Piglet, her call was waiting.

She had been away for a while since her father was ill. We hadn't spoken in weeks. Her father had been diagnosed with leukaemia 3 months back and has been battling for life ever since. I told my friend I'd get back to him and picked up her call instantaneously. She broke down very badly. Her father was no more. When someone so close faces a huge loss it is best to let them pour out their emotions first. Never try knocking sense into an emotional person's head. Sense and emotion never go hand in hand. This was another lesson that I had learnt from the six years as an investment banker. I listened patiently and told her she needed rest and asked her to take care of her mother. Just as I finished telling her this, my phone ran out of charge.

I had spoken for three and a half hours continuously. The battery was bound to croak it. I quickly rummaged through my room looking out for the mobile charger. It was nowhere to be found. I then recalled that I had left it in my bay. I had no option but to get back to both of them in the morning. I had left my phone on charge during the presentation. After I returned from the presentation I switched on my mobile to see twenty five unread messages. Fifteen were from my girl and the rest were from Piglet. Half the messages read 'U there?' One of the messages was “ A friend in need is a friend indeed.”

I called them up and had to spend an hour convincing them about my situation the previous night. I was accused of never being there when needed. My girl friend accused me of giving more importance to my friend while Piglet accused me of giving undue importance to my girl friend, and that I had forgotten what friendship meant.

While driving back home, I recalled an incident that happened 28 years back. It was the third day at school. I had made friends with two boys. I preferred boys over girls, because they played with cars and not Barbie dolls. One of them was named Swaminathan and the other boy was Toni. I declared that Toni would be my best friend because he was generous enough to give me 3 Parle poppins on the very second day of school. Swaminathan, Toni and I would always be seen together.

One day after school, while we were eagerly waiting with water bottles hanging around our necks and handkerchiefs pinned to our pockets, for our rickshaws and vans to drop us back home, Swaminathan's mother came to pick him up. She saw the three of us standing together and asked Swaminathan "who is your best friend?" Swaminathan pointed to me and said,"He is my best friend and Toni is his best friend". His mother smiled and enquired “So who is Toni's best friend?" Swaminathan said "He is our best friend."

We were best friends. We never knew what friendship meant.

An Earnest Plea

This is an earnest plea,
from a useful resource in a company.
My state of apathy needs some sympathy,
I want to live a life of dignity.

You use me up the entire day,
I always take it.
You spit on my face,
I always take it.

You make it so hard for me to breathe,
You clog up my life,
And fill my life with filth up to the brim,
So that filthy creatures can happily swim.

You can use me to wash your face,
Kindly take your Tiffin box to a different place,
You don’t like curry leaves and chillies sticking up your nose,
But you nastily push them on to me with all force.

Thank god no one gave you Sabeena or Vim,
For then I'd be perennially
filled with filth up to the brim,
Living a life which is dull and dim.

I'm no racist, but I don't like to be coloured,
It wasn't me who said give me red,
Don't spit PAAN and make me insane,
And finally tell,its me whose stained.


You get me overloaded and it hurts,
When my cleaner pokes me with sticks,
I cry loudly and my tears come in spurts,
Coz I'm called stinky and I'm cursed.

Without qualms, you use me,
Untiringly, be it night or day,
You clog me up and have the audacity to say,
I'm a basin who is 'blocked'.


-Courtsey (Union of Corporate Wash Basins)

What an Idea Sirji

Dev and Beera were best friends at school friend. Life moved on, and they parted ways like every other pair of friends in Bollywood just to meet again at the same place and same time and the same smoking zone of the same corporate.

Dev: Machan! How are you da? You studied textile engineering and you are in IT? How come you are here da? When did you join machan? Why you standing alone da? Is everything ok?

Beera: Machan I’m good Machi. I joined here six months back da. Life is very boring da machan.

Dev: Why machan? What happened da?

Beera: So boring Machan. No onsite opportunities. Same old work station, same old bike I come to office in, same old cafeteria. I want some change da.

Dev: On site opportunities? It’s just been six months since you joined da. Anyways life is like that, learn to accept it as it is.

Beera: Same old dress also I am wearing da. We wear same formal wear man. Girls are so lucky machan. They can wear so many different clothes. Salwar, Saree, trousers and what not. And now days all these girls are wearing what used to be called gym wear once upon time. And they call those leggings formal wear also. Everyone thinks they are Nadia Comăneci da.

Dev: Who’s Nadia Comăneci da? Your On-Site coordinator ah?

Beera: No machan. She was a famous gymnast da. How do they expect us to wear formal wear all five days? Its so hot here and in addition to that we need to stay in that for nine hours a day. It doesn’t suit our body. We should wear dhotis and promote Indian wear da. Dhotis and Kurtas are accepted as formals in the parliament also. I am going to write to the HR about this da.

A year later Dev and Beera meet again. This time at an air-conditioned bar in the maxim city- Mumbai.

Beera: Machan! How are you da? You got married and you are in a Bar? How come you are here da? Why you sitting alone da? Is everything ok?

Dev: Life is horrible da. No onsite opportunities. Same old work station, same old bike I go to office in, same old cafeteria, everything is same. I want some change da. Okay, you tell me machan, how are you machan? Long time no see. Where and how have you been?

Beera: I am good da. I told you last time that I was upset about the dress code policy followed in corporates, right? I did a detailed analysis and presented a case to the HR about why Dhotis should be made a part of the formal dress code. See in India our climate is humid and most of us are like bears da. The food we eat is wet and our restrooms are also wet. Dhotis are best suited for these conditions machan. Moreover they provide a free air conditioning effect throughout the day. I did a study and learnt that it prevents UTI infections also da. The HR folks were impressed and asked me to pioneer the attire change movement in corporates. Now I am the global head of the ‘Attire Alteration Management Committee’.

Dev: Wow machan. So you went onsite and all eh?

Beera: Yea machan. I just had a meeting with Ban Ki moon last week. I returned from New York yesterday machan.

Dev: Ban Ki moon is your onsite manager ah?

Beera: No da. He is the secretary general of the United Nations. We were having a discussion on understanding attire worldwide to suit the global climatic changes.

An Idea can change your life.