Adventures of Miss AB in Trans-fat land

I am Miss AB, now don't mistake me to be Amitabh, Abhishek or Aishwarya Rai Bachan. AB- Stands for Aloo Bonda. Previously, I used to hate the name, but now I guess I am used to being called that way. I am too depressed these days that I have begun, expanding horizontally, resulting in profound rotundity all through my anatomy.

I find profundity in rotundity. You don't get what I mean right? The best things in this universe are rotund. The sun, the moon, the earth itself, apples, cherries, grapes, Gulab Jamuns, Rasagullas, Pan Cakes, Cookies, Chocolate truffle (I mean the whole cake), Pizzas, Thattai, Murukku, Onion uthappams, Gol gappas,Peanuts, Baskin Robin's ice- cream scoops, Parle Pop-ins, Pure magic biscuits and the list of irresistable round things is endless. The best round object in this world is the potato. And how can I forget, Aloo Bondas and Aloo parathas. If I had to choose between food and sex, I would choose the former, because its easily available at anytime you want, you don't have to depend on someone for it and 'FOOD'gets you out of depression.

I am a diet dropout. The last time I ever ate diet food, was when I ate Marie Biscuits. I tried a diet called the GM diet. This was when I stocked a life time of nutrients and vitamins into my body. The results of the diet seemed outstanding when I went up to measure the merits of my performance on the weighing machine. The pointer showed a four degree shift to left and I was terribly excited. But my joy was short lived, and I happened to meet an old friend who ended up not only destroying my temporary happiness but also got me into deep depression. " Oh my god!! You've put on so much weight. What happened?" she said. I wanted to tell her that I had actually lost weight, but remained silent. That was the last time I had met her. I hate it when relatives and friends remind me of my rotundity in weddings, and other happy gatherings. It makes me awfully depressed that I end up taking two servings of the dessert.

And then dawned hope. I read Kareena Kapoor's success weight loss story. Yes even I could become my dream me. I just had to streamline my depression eating. My deep depression had caused me to blog relentlessly, usually late at nights when my apetite soars high."Its okay if I ate Milk Bikies or Parle- G at night, but I must avoid pampering my taste buds by smearing Jam in between the biscuits", I thought. My oil intake was quite under control. Ever since the microwave was introduced, every south indian house hold used it mainly to make oil free papads and fryums. What actually needed attention was my Bornville, and Bonda intake.

I hate my boy friend for three things. One, for naming me Aloo Bonda, two for gifting me Bornvilles everytime we meet, and the third one for fixing up our meeting point at Bamblimas Bonda stall. Otherwise, he's a nice chap. He accepts my rotundity and does not rub it in. Unlike most men, who find the collar bone jutting out as the most appealing factor, my guy finds profundity in rotundity. I have a gym mate who is just as plump as I am and her boy friend presented her a weighing machine on her birthday. She felt so miserable that she broke down half way on the treadmill one day. If I was her, I would have dumped the third rated bastard. My boy friend is the only soul who tells me that I have lost weight after each session at the gym. I often envy the skinny women who come to gym. I am curious about how they are so skinny despite eating the same amount as I eat. Despite just eating two Chapatis for both lunch and dinner and running six miles for 2 months continuously, the pointer on the weighing machine showed just a two degree shift to the left. I had expected to lose at least 5 kilos. Just as I was about to suffer a slight nervous break down, I saw a really huge woman enter the gym. In my estimate she would easily weigh at least 200 pounds.

She saw me sit in the couch, waiting to get my new diet plan. She asked me if I was waiting for the dietician. " Did the diet help?", she asked. " Not really. I just lost two kilos after two months" I said. " Be happy you at least lost two. I lost none. Be happy girl. Fat people like me find profundity in rotundity. God made most strategic parts of the human body rotund, just to make human beings more appealing. And I have many other parts rotund, and that makes me even more appealing." she said laughingly. "Let me know after you're done with your appointment." she said, and walked towards the juice counter. Just as she turned, I saw what was written on her pink t-shirt. " Your weight is not down your waist, but up your head. All that matters is how you carry it."

Fiction's rendezvous with reality

Accusations. All of us are accused of something or the other everyday. We are accused of being lame, lazy, stupid, slow (in all aspects),for the way we walk, talk, sit, stand, eat, sleep, dress up, for using a deo, for not using a deo, and so on and so forth.

I was accused of being a shame to the entire lineage of Tam Brahms owing to my perenial display of slowness with numbers. I remember before each math exam right from class 6,I would suffer from severe attacks of Arithmophobia. A condition where your mind goes blank when you're asked to add three 4-digits mentally. Yes I was mathematically challenged, but my parents thought I suffered from ADS (Attention deficit Syndrome) and needed several doses of the drug Ritalin. My father's usual remarks after seeing the 61 or 62 or 63 on my paper would be "You don't apply yourself enough."

My mother was too concerend about my mathematical instablity that she got me enrolled for a course to relax my mind and twist my body. They called it the 'Art of Living'. She did have a scientific theory behind it. She said, my brain didn't need Ritalin but just sufficient oxygen. But no amount of oxygen brought life to the dying neurons that stored the multiplication tables. They had lost the hope of living and decided to be comatose forever.

Now coming to the point, most of what I write on this blog is inspired from incidents that happen in real life and if my stories resemble what happens in your life, then I must say its purely coincidental. Many parts of my stories have happened in real life, and the rest I've made it up just to make the story readable. But what if something that is made up becomes reality?

Nikhil Subramanian, was a random name that I gave for the ex-man of my dreams. The other day, while I was whiling away my time on Face Book, I saw friend suggestions "Nikhil Subramanian". We had 21 mutual friends and the guy was absolutely HOTT. Shucks, did destiny play evil tricks? In " Those were the days" I had mentioned that my parents had read my blog on pleasing and were shocked. Actually, they happened to read the post "Those were the days" and here is the conversation that unfolded. Most of the time the conversation was onesided with only my dad speaking and my mind speaking words which he could never hear.

Appa: Now I saw what stupid things you have written on that blog of yours.

Me: What are you talking about?

Appa: How can you write something so stupid and use all unparlimentary language and give a verbal description for it? We have not brought you up this way at all.

Me: (As usual I wanted to excape the situation) I didn't write anything. I was just reading it.

Appa: What do you mean. I know for sure you wrote it. How can you use the forbidden four letter word? How can you? Do you even realise the implications of what you have done? When I saw it I was shocked. I couldn't believe what I was reading. ANd now you are lying to me about it.

Me: (Face looking down at my feet): Silent.
Mind:Ok now what's the big deal. Everyone uses it.

Appa: I wonder what you do on the computer all night. I never did such things when I was your age.

Me: Silence.

Appa: Are you writing some kind of Pornographic Novel?

Me: Shucks no way!! Are you crazy?

Appa: Don't use that word in front of me. You are getting out of your limits I tell you.

Me: I didn't use the f-word I said shucks.

Appa: Don't you dare say that.

Mind: What an accusation. No kid on the face of this planet would have been accused of such a thing ever. Appa Pronography can be either totally disgusting or atleast titilating. My blog is neither disgusting nor titilating. And using the swear word is not a big deal. And by the way you were the first person to implant wild thoughts in my innocent brain, when you took the entire family for the movie TITANIC. I was in class 5 then. You said it was a must watch and dragged the entire family- amma, paati and her bandwagon of sisters. And when they saw Kate Winslet undress you were cool enough to say " Stop complaining and Look at the bigger picture."

Appa: Just because you've been given a lot of freedom don't misuse it.

Me: Silence again.
Mind: Freedom? I must be home before 9 P.M sharp. You eavesdrop on the conversations I have with male colleagues and enquire about their last names just to make sure it ends with 'an'. Chandrashekar'an', Ramakrishn'an', Nataraj'an', Narasimh'an', Jagannath'an',Muralidhar'an'......... and the only exceptions being parthasarathy and a few other surnames. Even the otherday when Jaswinder called me, you were so inquisitive about what I was speaking with her until I told you she was female.

Appa: Read Leo Tolstoy, Read Charles Dickens. Look at the sensitivity with which they write. I spent my time reading such books when I was like you. I wonder what you read and it is reflecting in your writing. This is the last time I wanna discuss this with you. Do you even understand the implications it would have if someone from our family reads it? Delete it right away. I dont want to see you writing such stupid things again.

Me: Silence.
Mind: First go become anonymous on the blog. This is getting tough to handle. And heck no, I am no way deleting my blog. It means so much to me.

I shall write about how much my blog means to me in another post. Just as I remove my name and other details about myself from the blog, I see a comment pop up. I always get excited to see the first comment of every post. The person who commented was Venki and he said brilliant. Venki is my father's nick name. Does he have a deep dark side, I wonder.

I dont get it!!!

Keeeeeeeeeeeeeek Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek,
Ke Ke Ke Ke Ke KEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,
You're an ass.. a complete ass,
Otha, Vadai thaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Kikkiikkkkkkii Kkiiiikkiiiii,


Kooooooooooooooo Koooooooooooo
Ku ku ku ku ku ku ku ku ku,
Omg She looks hot, Wink,
koooooooooooooooo koooooooo,

Drrrrr.. Drrrrrrr .. Drrrr,
Dud dud dud dud dud dud...
keeekk Dud Dud Dud..
Aiye Aiye Aiye,

Kek Kek Kek Kek Kek,
Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,
Krrrrr thu, Krrr thu,
Wow my spit shines on the road,
Ok Let me stop admiring it.

Dud dud dud .. ROARRRR,
Roar Raorrrrrrrrrrrrrr..
Wow my fancy horn sounds like a tiger.
Roar Raaaaaaorrrrrrrr,
(Simba written on the number plate)

You dont get it right? Neither do I get the language of men on the road.

Those were the days

Note: This post is dedicated to all those who were born between 1980's and 1990's.

'Alice, who the fuck is Alice?', she shouted. It was Anu, my 8 year old cousin. ' Priya Akka, isn't fuck a bad word? What does it mean anyway?' I saw my Mama, giving me a cold stare. Embarrassed, I immediately snatched the MP3 player from her hand and said, ' Why do you take these things without asking me?'. I tried hard to shift the focus from the F-word to the kid's behaviour, which I did think required some attention.

But wait, what do I tell the kid? Do I tell her Fuck stands for 'Fornication under the Consent of the King', or tell her to Google the meaning or check out the meaning of it in the oxford English dictionary, just like I did when I was in class 7?

Webster’s didn’t have that word in their dictionary back then. Back in class 7, I remember there was this boy, who had watched too much of wrestling and learnt that the f- word had a very bad meaning and showing the middle finger meant the same. It was in class 7 that I learnt to use the dictionary really very well. We searched page by page of the Oxford English Dictionary, for 'Fuck'. Finally I learnt that it meant 'have sexual intercourse with someone.' or used as an abusive word. But what the hell did sexual intercourse mean? I discovered that only in class 9 biology class.

Back then, the movies made me think wildly about the way babies were born. I often thought couples prayed to god for a baby and god made the woman pregnant at his own will. Therefore, one had to be careful and pray to god for the right thing at the right time. My Patti told me,'Kunti Devi in the Mahabharata had a child too early because she prayed for the wrong thing at the wrong time'. Watching more movies expanded my thinking and gave me a bit more clarity on the subject. I learnt that some amount of physical contact was required, and if the couple hugged each other too tightly the woman would eventually become pregnant. It was difficult to think beyond this and I didn't care to think beyond this. This thought was ingrained so deeply that even today it makes me feel uncomfortable to publicly display affection towards my friends who are guys.

I'm no more a teenager and looking back at the way I grew up, I feel not just glad but blessed. I say this because of many reasons. One being I belonged to the generation that saw the rise and fall of a new millennium. Back then in the 1990's, in the newly liberalized India, Internet and mobile communication was nothing but a dream, and Wi-Fi a myth. Owning a cordless phone that time, was a huge deal and was equivalent to having an I-pod 4G today.

It was when I was a kid, that the first mobile phones were introduced in the country. They were in the size of a cordless phone and weighed a Ton. Every call cost 18 Rupees a minute initially and even incoming phone calls were being charged. Pager phones were still in use. It was when I was in class 8 that my parents bought their first mobile phones. I didn’t know to use the T9 dictionary until class 11.

National TV and DD-2 were the only channels that were available until I was 6 years old. Then came the invasion of cable television. We didn't have cable TV connection in our house until my brother completed his class 12. My parents often thought of it as a distraction and a unnecessary luxury. Doordarshan or DD didn’t have many programs, but the few that were being telecast were watched by my family regularly. Malgudi days, Ramayana, Mahabharata, Jai Hanuman, the world this week by Pranoy Roy, the only dose of film songs- Chitrahaar, and Surabhi. The only serial that was famous back then was JUNOON. All that I remember was that the serial was based on an affair between a woman named Mini Kaur, who had left her husband and ran after another man named Keshav Kalsi, the role played by Tom Alter. I remember one of my neighbours complaining to my mom that such serials should be banned as it showcased things that were not in Indian Culture and young girls were getting influenced by what they showed.

I was born in times when there were no multiplexes and we often rented a video tape to watch movies. Whenever the video tapes got stuck, I had fun rolling the tapes back into the plastic case. I still have the video and audio tapes. It was only in class 6 that we bought a VCD player and a few CD's. I remember storing the CD's so carefully and cleaning the Kenwood VCD player every time I used it. The Kenwood VCD player cost Rs. 40,000 back then.

E-mail was considered high technology and Mr.Sabeer Bhatia was the most eligible bachelor at that point. My father had created an E-mail ID and said that one had to be very careful with it. He often boasted about how it enhanced communication with his friends in the US and it must have been an IIT guy who must have invented the concept. These IIT grads .. Phew!! And then arrived chatting. Parents were all the time on the guard, and telling us about dangerous Instant messaging chat stories on the internet, by which many young girls had been fooled.

As a Kid, I belonged to a generation which saw the telephone, change to the cordless phone and Video tapes change to DVD's. I belonged to a generation which saw Social networking change from Picnics to Hi-fi, Orkut and now Facebook. I belonged to a generation where kids were familiar only with two brands, Hot Wheels and Barbie. I belonged to a generation where games meant Ice- spice, Lock and key, or Judo and not Mafia Wars or Mortal Combat. I belonged to a generation that watched Tom and Jerry and Captain Planet and not Animax or Pogo.As a kid, I saw Madras change to Chennai, Bombay to Mumbai, Calcutta to Kolkatta and Bangalore to Bengalooru.

Just the other day, I had left my laptop with my blog page open and had gone out. My parents happened to read my blog on pleasing. As I came back home, there was an unusual lull of the graveyard and I knew something was wrong. After about half an hour my father broke the ice.’ Why do you write things like this?' he said. ‘ Write what pa? What are you talking about?’ I asked . He pointed to the laptop on my table. It had the post open. My mother had a look on her face that I had never seen in many years. She had the same look when we saw a couple at Delhi's Lodhi Park,in a promiscuous pose and I asked her whether they were playing.

'Priya this is blasphemy. We never even knew such things when we were your age. What are you trying to prove by writing such scandalous posts? Become the next Shobha de? This is technology is just ruining these people. Please remove that before anyone else from the family can read it and embarrass us. And this is the last time you are writing such stupid things. I feel so ashamed to talk these things.' my mom added.

Arggghhhh!!! Why do such things keep happening to me. I wish I could bury myself underground. I quietly walked down to laptop and began to delete the recently browsed history. I knew there was absolutely no point in trying to convince my parents about how I had learnt to view things in a different manner, which was the basic ingredient to becoming a writer. They would never get the point. My parents were thinking that I was in the process of writing a new Mills and Boon novel. First thing,I need to search for a pen name, I thought. Just then, I got a pop-up saying Anu has updated her status on Facebook. She was in class 4, yes she was on Facebook. The status read 'Hey guyz please make it to my B'day party at Pizza Corner, Nungambakkam.' I scrolled down and clicked show older posts. I couldn't believe what I saw. It said Anu has joined the group Fornication under the consent of the King. 18 people like this.

My mother began cribbing about my generation only when she was 42. I am just 22 and I've already begun my cribbing about the future kids.