I always wished life was like a tape recorder. I wish I could just press the pause, rewind and fast forward buttons as and when I liked. I could undo my mistakes, never repent for being unjust, unfair or biased. Then I could live a life without a single regret and sleep peacefully on my grave. When I look back, I regret two things I did in my life.
The first one was when I was in class two. It was on my birthday. There was a get together at home and many close friends, relatives, cousins, and neighbours were invited. I quite don't remember who all were present back then. I was very excited and happy to get all the attention and presents. My mother had ordered a huge cake from Adyar Bakery and had made a variety of snacks. Among the various guests who were present, there was also Ramanujam. Ramanujam was the son of my neighbour's servant. He was a year younger than me. My father had invited him over as there were quite a number of children and he too could play with us. I didn't want Ramanujam to be there. I didn't feel comfortable. Ramanujam was a short, skinny boy who wore half overalls, which was his corporation school uniform. He was wearing that during my birthday party too. He didn't wear shoes and his legs were dusty with sand. Ramanujam often watched my friend Aparna and I play at her house. Aparna's father was a strict man and he never allowed Ramanujam to play with us. He didn't want us to mingle with the servants. As my father called me and asked me to include Ramanujam to the games we were playing, I began to cry. I didn't want to be associated with a servant's son. My father was furious and called me aside and tried to make me understand that my behaviour was unacceptable. I didn't care about what he told me. I didn't want to play with Ramanujam and I didn't want him to be at my birthday party. I told my Father "Appa he is not even my friend." Ramanujam silently watched what happened. He wondered why I was crying. He just stood there in his half overalls and kept staring at my father. He simply stood there, I wished he had some ego and just walked out, but he stood there watching and wondering why I was crying. He knew I cried because of his presence. The emptiness in his eyes and his silence is something that I can never forget to this very day.
My father realised it was futile trying to convince me and told my brother to play with Ramanujam. He played cricket with my brother and kept staring at my tears. While the snacks were being served my mother made sure Ramanujam felt comfortable. I knew he was not one bit comfortable. He sat at one corner of the sofa in the hall and kept eating his food as fast as possible. He didn’t look up even once. May be he didn't want to see me crying. Before he left, Ramanujam extended his hand to shake them with mine and smiled gleefully. He told me "Aaapy birthday Akkaaaa". I didn't want to respond. I didn't bother to shake hands with him. He hadn't even wiped his hands after eating the cake. They were all sticky and his nails were dirty.
Ramanujam's father got a better job and soon his family moved out of the neighborhood . All that I remember of him were those half overalls and the emptiness in his eyes. I had behaved in the worst possible fashion. I was mean, nasty, arrogant and what not. I just wish I could press the rewind button and undo what I did to Ramanujam on 14th of November 1994.
The second incident happened rather recently. In class 11, there were many new students who joined my school. One among them was KP. KP was a short, stout girl who wore specs. Her hair was a distinct feature, since it was light brown, incredibly straight, rough and dry. This called for a lot of ridicule I named her bottle brush. Where ever she went, everyone screamed bottle brush or Scortch Brite. She quite didn’t realise I had given her the name and used to crib to me about her hair. I used to tell her not to worry about external appearances and that her hair was unique. I shamelessly hid behind a veil of guilt and cowardliness. Soon the teasing got overboard and KP couldn't handle it. She left the school forever. My class teacher gave the class a big lecture about treating fellow students and how we must not make fun of one's physical appearances. The guilt inside me was killing. I prayed and hoped she didn’t hurt herself physically. I tried contacting KP after she left school but all in vain. She had changed her contact number and didn't want to get in touch with anyone from my class.
The other day, as I was crossing the road near Alsa Mall, I saw KP. Before I could cross over to the other side she was gone. I tried tracking her down on social networking sites, so that I could get rid of the guilt I was living with. Sadly KP isn't listed on any social networking site.
Sorry would not be the right thing to tell KP or Ramanujam. I just wish I could press the rewind button, then the erase button and fast forward my life to the present.
Monday, April 05, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I don't want to be accountable
I don't want to be accountable
For the air I breathe,
Or for the food I eat.
I don't want to be accountable
For a smile or a tear,
I don't want to kiss and then fear.
I don't want to be accountable
for being happy or sad,
or shouting for when I am mad.
I don't want to be accountable
To friends, to family
Or even to the God I never see.
I just want to be accountable
to my conscience, something I never feel.
For the air I breathe,
Or for the food I eat.
I don't want to be accountable
For a smile or a tear,
I don't want to kiss and then fear.
I don't want to be accountable
for being happy or sad,
or shouting for when I am mad.
I don't want to be accountable
To friends, to family
Or even to the God I never see.
I just want to be accountable
to my conscience, something I never feel.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Dear Mr Director
To
The Director,
IIM A,B,C,D,E,F,G I,K,L,S
INDIA.
From:
Gangadhar Vidyadhar Mayadhar Omkarnath Shastri
Rural ( You don't care about villages do u?)
INDIA.
Dear Sir,
Sub: Selection criteria in IIM's.
I am a post master in Charuki Gaon near Maya Pradesh. I chose this profession as it gives me great happiness and satisfaction. I deliver good news and important news to people. I am a good will messenger in my own way. My aim is to develop a huge platform that will help me deliver good messages to all my co villagers and help them communicate with the world. I want to teach them about e-mail, facebook and other modes of communication about which, I have read a lot in the news papers. In this way they can communicate to their kith and kin easily and this would make them happy. I am an MBA aspirant and I aspire to get into the most reputed MBA college in the country which is IIM-Ahmedabad (IIM-A). I prepared for 4 years for the common admission test (CAT). In my first attempt I got a score of 23.4 percentile. In my second it was 46.4 and in the 3rd attempt it was 64.
I realised this was not enough for securing a seat in the most prestigious management institution in the country. So I went to the nearby town and underwent coaching there. I also started improvising on my language skills. I also learned to use the computer with the keyboard and mouse. I learned to use the laptop without the mouse too. First my eyes used to hurt as I was not used to reading on a light filled screen. It was like watching a movie introduction screen for a long time. Soon I got used to it. I learned to move from one page to another using the scroll button . Sometimes the page used to scroll fast even though i never made it move. The computer is a crazy machine. But I finally began understanding the way it functions. With a lot of effort I secured 99.34 percentile in CAT this year. To my surprise I was in the top one percent and it made me feel very happy. My whole village was astonished. My name and photograph came in MAYA Times. This was a proud moment in my life.
But sir, I have not got a call from the top three institutions (A,B or C). I wondered why I didn't get a call despite having good sectional cut offs, Quantitative (QA)-99.8, Verbal (VA)-99.1, Data Interpretation (DI)- 99.7. Then I saw the criteria for the selection process. My class 10 and 12 marks were also taken into consideration. I got 56 percent in class 10 and 63 in class 12. In class 10, I was barely 15 years old. I used to be more interested in playing Kabbadi with my friends. I was a kabbadi champion and often won every tournament organized in Charuki gaon. I wanted to become a professional kabbadi player. It was my only intention. That time I never knew anything about facebook or computers and never had any dreams for my village. I often spent my time by playing in the swimming pool, stealing chikoos from the farm, and watching rare birds that migrated to our village. One month before my board exams, my father came and told me that if I didn't pass the board exams my life would be ruined and I could never dream of becoming a renowned kabbadi player. I began studying and
I managed to score 56 percent. I never realised it was a low mark because I was the second highest scorer in my school. My mother made kheer and distributed it to the entire village, since no one in our family had ever scored so much. There was an incident in class 11, where I broke my knee which resulted in the replacement of my ball and socket joint. Since then, I have never been able to play kabbadi.
I took biology in class 12 because a girl I liked a lot, Kavitha also opted for the same group. Even tough I hated biology, sitting for two entire years without seeing Kavitha was unimaginable. I hated biology and we had to go to the nearby village for biology classes, since our village never had a biology teacher. I hated drawing ameobas or any cells. I somehow managed to pass with decent marks in biology. My focus shifted from Kabaddi to Kavitha. But Kavitha got married and left our village forever. I was shattered and heart broken. I didn't eat or sleep for 2 weeks. I didn't want to commit suicide but I wanted to forget Kavitha. That day I also decided that I would start a forum to help those who have been ditched/ dumped or feel broken in relationships. That time I wanted to feel better but no one helped me overcome the awful pain that I faced within myself. I studied B.A Hindi in college and eventually landed up as a post master.
Sir I have a dream and I worked towards it for four entire years. Despite being in the top 1 percentile,was I denied a seat in the most prestigious management institution, because I spent my teenage playing kabbadi and not planning my future? Was I denied a seat because I liked a girl named kavitha got a 63 percent in class 12 and eventually ended up as a post master in charuki? So does this mean that every management aspirant should start planning his future right from the age of 12 and not play while he is 15 as he has board exams, and not have a crush on the opposite sex?
I would be very happy if you could reply to my above mentioned queries.
Yours respectfully,
Gangadhar Vidyadhar Mayadhar Omkarnath Shastri
The Director,
IIM A,B,C,
INDIA.
From:
Gangadhar Vidyadhar Mayadhar Omkarnath Shastri
Rural ( You don't care about villages do u?)
INDIA.
Dear Sir,
Sub: Selection criteria in IIM's.
I am a post master in Charuki Gaon near Maya Pradesh. I chose this profession as it gives me great happiness and satisfaction. I deliver good news and important news to people. I am a good will messenger in my own way. My aim is to develop a huge platform that will help me deliver good messages to all my co villagers and help them communicate with the world. I want to teach them about e-mail, facebook and other modes of communication about which, I have read a lot in the news papers. In this way they can communicate to their kith and kin easily and this would make them happy. I am an MBA aspirant and I aspire to get into the most reputed MBA college in the country which is IIM-Ahmedabad (IIM-A). I prepared for 4 years for the common admission test (CAT). In my first attempt I got a score of 23.4 percentile. In my second it was 46.4 and in the 3rd attempt it was 64.
I realised this was not enough for securing a seat in the most prestigious management institution in the country. So I went to the nearby town and underwent coaching there. I also started improvising on my language skills. I also learned to use the computer with the keyboard and mouse. I learned to use the laptop without the mouse too. First my eyes used to hurt as I was not used to reading on a light filled screen. It was like watching a movie introduction screen for a long time. Soon I got used to it. I learned to move from one page to another using the scroll button . Sometimes the page used to scroll fast even though i never made it move. The computer is a crazy machine. But I finally began understanding the way it functions. With a lot of effort I secured 99.34 percentile in CAT this year. To my surprise I was in the top one percent and it made me feel very happy. My whole village was astonished. My name and photograph came in MAYA Times. This was a proud moment in my life.
But sir, I have not got a call from the top three institutions (A,B or C). I wondered why I didn't get a call despite having good sectional cut offs, Quantitative (QA)-99.8, Verbal (VA)-99.1, Data Interpretation (DI)- 99.7. Then I saw the criteria for the selection process. My class 10 and 12 marks were also taken into consideration. I got 56 percent in class 10 and 63 in class 12. In class 10, I was barely 15 years old. I used to be more interested in playing Kabbadi with my friends. I was a kabbadi champion and often won every tournament organized in Charuki gaon. I wanted to become a professional kabbadi player. It was my only intention. That time I never knew anything about facebook or computers and never had any dreams for my village. I often spent my time by playing in the swimming pool, stealing chikoos from the farm, and watching rare birds that migrated to our village. One month before my board exams, my father came and told me that if I didn't pass the board exams my life would be ruined and I could never dream of becoming a renowned kabbadi player. I began studying and
I managed to score 56 percent. I never realised it was a low mark because I was the second highest scorer in my school. My mother made kheer and distributed it to the entire village, since no one in our family had ever scored so much. There was an incident in class 11, where I broke my knee which resulted in the replacement of my ball and socket joint. Since then, I have never been able to play kabbadi.
I took biology in class 12 because a girl I liked a lot, Kavitha also opted for the same group. Even tough I hated biology, sitting for two entire years without seeing Kavitha was unimaginable. I hated biology and we had to go to the nearby village for biology classes, since our village never had a biology teacher. I hated drawing ameobas or any cells. I somehow managed to pass with decent marks in biology. My focus shifted from Kabaddi to Kavitha. But Kavitha got married and left our village forever. I was shattered and heart broken. I didn't eat or sleep for 2 weeks. I didn't want to commit suicide but I wanted to forget Kavitha. That day I also decided that I would start a forum to help those who have been ditched/ dumped or feel broken in relationships. That time I wanted to feel better but no one helped me overcome the awful pain that I faced within myself. I studied B.A Hindi in college and eventually landed up as a post master.
Sir I have a dream and I worked towards it for four entire years. Despite being in the top 1 percentile,was I denied a seat in the most prestigious management institution, because I spent my teenage playing kabbadi and not planning my future? Was I denied a seat because I liked a girl named kavitha got a 63 percent in class 12 and eventually ended up as a post master in charuki? So does this mean that every management aspirant should start planning his future right from the age of 12 and not play while he is 15 as he has board exams, and not have a crush on the opposite sex?
I would be very happy if you could reply to my above mentioned queries.
Yours respectfully,
Gangadhar Vidyadhar Mayadhar Omkarnath Shastri
The tables have turned
We've heard enough women crib about the demands made on matrimonial sites. Every man wants a fair/tall/slim/homely/well educated/ well mannered/long haired/should know to cook/religious girl. Some make a few extra demands like she should be open minded, vegetarian/non vegetarian, have logical thinking, tech savy etc. In addition, if the woman earned well then she'd be the perfect trophy wife. To the young bridegroom and his mother these were not demands, but the prerequisites for a woman to be a good daughter-in-law and wife. The parents of dark fat girls made sure they'd pack them off with enough dowry to compensate on the tall and slim factor.
Before the wedding, every girl made sure she gymmed hard enough, so that her collar bone would show up and applied enough Benozyl peroxide all over her body to resemble the snow white her future husband was dreaming of. In some cases the girl also pierced her nose, a symbolic act in Hindu culture which ensures that the husband lives a long life. The girls never had any demands. The only demand their parents had was that the groom should be well educated and must have a good earning. Although this was a demand they often had to compensate for it in turn, by organizing a lavish wedding/ dowry/ adorning their daughter with jewels. In most cases all of the above mentioned was done.
Today, many women earn if not more, equal to their husbands. They are ready to satisfy the demands of tall/slim/fair. They too have demands. A colleague of mine, who is a tall slim, fair skinned, good looking and well earning woman is a prospective bride. She has the following demands from her man. I wish shaadi.com would help me list at least a few of these on their site.
So here are few of her demands:
1. The guy should be a lefty, so that his brain works right.
2. He must read, write, and speak 2 foreign languages fluently.
3. He must play at least 2 sports (one indoor game and one out door game). Preferably he should a national champion in at least one.
4. He should have silky hair.
5. He must have well aligned white teeth.
6. He should be 6 feet tall. 5ft 11'' is adjustable.
7. He should know to cook.
8. He must play the guitar.
9. No big belly. A six pack would be good. An 8 pack would be great.
10. He shouldn't wear VIP, Rupa or Tantex undewear. ( Cummon we spend so much on lingere. Cant they afford atleast jockey)
The tables have turned, here comes the era of the bride.
Before the wedding, every girl made sure she gymmed hard enough, so that her collar bone would show up and applied enough Benozyl peroxide all over her body to resemble the snow white her future husband was dreaming of. In some cases the girl also pierced her nose, a symbolic act in Hindu culture which ensures that the husband lives a long life. The girls never had any demands. The only demand their parents had was that the groom should be well educated and must have a good earning. Although this was a demand they often had to compensate for it in turn, by organizing a lavish wedding/ dowry/ adorning their daughter with jewels. In most cases all of the above mentioned was done.
Today, many women earn if not more, equal to their husbands. They are ready to satisfy the demands of tall/slim/fair. They too have demands. A colleague of mine, who is a tall slim, fair skinned, good looking and well earning woman is a prospective bride. She has the following demands from her man. I wish shaadi.com would help me list at least a few of these on their site.
So here are few of her demands:
1. The guy should be a lefty, so that his brain works right.
2. He must read, write, and speak 2 foreign languages fluently.
3. He must play at least 2 sports (one indoor game and one out door game). Preferably he should a national champion in at least one.
4. He should have silky hair.
5. He must have well aligned white teeth.
6. He should be 6 feet tall. 5ft 11'' is adjustable.
7. He should know to cook.
8. He must play the guitar.
9. No big belly. A six pack would be good. An 8 pack would be great.
10. He shouldn't wear VIP, Rupa or Tantex undewear. ( Cummon we spend so much on lingere. Cant they afford atleast jockey)
The tables have turned, here comes the era of the bride.
Sunday, March 07, 2010
The right time to get get high!
Not often does your mind and heart speak different things. The point at which, there is a conflict of the heart and the mind, it is quite a depressing and frustrating phase of one's life. This is the point where you are lying to thyself about thyself and that feeling is quite miserable. Let me explain to you an incident that happened to me quite recently. It was during an interview with quite a well established firm.
Interviewer: So, Why did you take up computer science as your undergrad?
Mind: I was good at computer in class 10 and it propelled me to take it up in class 11 and 12. Thereafter computer science was quite an obvious choice.
Heart: It was destiny.Damn it!
Interviewer: What did you like most about engineering?
Mind: Ahem the very fact the it makes you think and face challenges.
Heart: I hated every bit of it. It made me a retard. The only thing I liked was my 1st year workshop lab prof. He was HOT!!!
Interviewer: So What all did you learn during the course of your engineering?
Mind: Well I learnt C, c++, some shell scripting blahhhhhhh.
Heart: I learned to be a dickhead. I learnt that mean bitches get good grades and I never got good grades because I was never a mean bitch.I learned to face arrears and failures with a smile. I learned that when adversity strikes you must strike back adversely. I learned to break up with the same asshole twice. I learned to become a better person. I bet you don't have someone like me in your god damn company and I bet you wont give me the job for these skills that you never have and you'll never acquire.
(Heart and mind to one another)
Heart: You are such a coward. Damn you!!
Mind: You are so stuck up. It high time you get high!
Interviewer: So, Why did you take up computer science as your undergrad?
Mind: I was good at computer in class 10 and it propelled me to take it up in class 11 and 12. Thereafter computer science was quite an obvious choice.
Heart: It was destiny.Damn it!
Interviewer: What did you like most about engineering?
Mind: Ahem the very fact the it makes you think and face challenges.
Heart: I hated every bit of it. It made me a retard. The only thing I liked was my 1st year workshop lab prof. He was HOT!!!
Interviewer: So What all did you learn during the course of your engineering?
Mind: Well I learnt C, c++, some shell scripting blahhhhhhh.
Heart: I learned to be a dickhead. I learnt that mean bitches get good grades and I never got good grades because I was never a mean bitch.I learned to face arrears and failures with a smile. I learned that when adversity strikes you must strike back adversely. I learned to break up with the same asshole twice. I learned to become a better person. I bet you don't have someone like me in your god damn company and I bet you wont give me the job for these skills that you never have and you'll never acquire.
(Heart and mind to one another)
Heart: You are such a coward. Damn you!!
Mind: You are so stuck up. It high time you get high!
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
On the path of exploration
All of us want only three things in our lives. The three s'es if I could call them. It's success, satisfaction and salvation. We want them at various stages in life, but we often believe to want all of the above mentioned. Right now I want success. When i am a mother I would want satisfaction and if I become a grandmother I would try finding salvation.
Success is something all of us want. It is neither subjective nor objective. It cannot be measured or quantified. The moment you achieve success you want more. The more you achieve success, the more you want it. At this point in life in life you don't want to be satisfied. Success is addictive. Its something you keep wanting until a point where you decide that you have done enough and call it quits.If you are chasing money, there comes a point where you get fed up and just want to stop and discover happiness with what you have. At this stage all you want is satisfaction, the thing you never wanted before.
Satisfaction is the stage where you are not chasing anything. Satisfaction is the stage where you are completely happy with yourself.After you are successfully satisfied, you want to explore salvation. Salvation is quite a complex thing. But it is something we all want to explore. To the liberated souls, success and satisfaction don't mean anything. To be relieved of the feeling of want is salvation.
Life's a bitch. None of us know what we want.We want salvation, which is about giving up wants. While chasing success, we want satisfaction. What I want today is something that I don't want tomorrow. I just discovered that I am not the only confused soul.
Success is something all of us want. It is neither subjective nor objective. It cannot be measured or quantified. The moment you achieve success you want more. The more you achieve success, the more you want it. At this point in life in life you don't want to be satisfied. Success is addictive. Its something you keep wanting until a point where you decide that you have done enough and call it quits.If you are chasing money, there comes a point where you get fed up and just want to stop and discover happiness with what you have. At this stage all you want is satisfaction, the thing you never wanted before.
Satisfaction is the stage where you are not chasing anything. Satisfaction is the stage where you are completely happy with yourself.After you are successfully satisfied, you want to explore salvation. Salvation is quite a complex thing. But it is something we all want to explore. To the liberated souls, success and satisfaction don't mean anything. To be relieved of the feeling of want is salvation.
Life's a bitch. None of us know what we want.We want salvation, which is about giving up wants. While chasing success, we want satisfaction. What I want today is something that I don't want tomorrow. I just discovered that I am not the only confused soul.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
10 worst night mares
1. I marry a guy with long ear hair/ I start growing ear hair.
2. I am made to sleep on the floor of the sleeper class in Grand trunk express.
3. I die on my birthday.
4. My dad sees me reading mills and boons.
5. I am locked in a house and I have to eat idlis 365 days a year.
6. I kiss a lizard.
7. I am in a jail and I am wearing the same underwear for a year.
8. Someone shaves off my eyebrows.
9. I date a gay guy and kiss him.
10. I am drowning in water and my best friend is pulling me inside.
2. I am made to sleep on the floor of the sleeper class in Grand trunk express.
3. I die on my birthday.
4. My dad sees me reading mills and boons.
5. I am locked in a house and I have to eat idlis 365 days a year.
6. I kiss a lizard.
7. I am in a jail and I am wearing the same underwear for a year.
8. Someone shaves off my eyebrows.
9. I date a gay guy and kiss him.
10. I am drowning in water and my best friend is pulling me inside.
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